Current Playing Repeatedly

Ahmad Band - Aku Cinta Kau & Dia

Black Dog Bone - Hatiku Luka Lagi

p/s :  Always trust your inner instinct. Sometimes it may be wrong, but most of the time it will tell you the right thing.

Heartbroken

Thousand pieces.

Berubat

Through out my quest of fighting this unknown sickness. I have been to four tempat berubat.

Among the 4, the last one at Johor is the most painful.

I dont know how to describe the processes, but I do know normal person can't possibly take the experience. I wish I was dead that time, I can't possibly take it anymore I cried so bad during the treatment. 

With my mum in front of me holding me, my dad at my back. I guess, in 25 years I have been alive that was the most vulnerable me ever in front of my parents. 

It was the most painful experience ever. I wish I would never have to go there ever again.

Although it's impossible, considering it has coming back this few days. 

p/s : np - Saat Terakhir - ST 12

Tak pernah terpikir olehkuTak sedikitpun ku bayangkanKau akan pergi tinggalkan kusendiri

Realise

At some point I just realise something.

Nobody's care.


Aku je yang terhegeh-hegeh selama ni.

Priorities

It was never about money in my life. As long as cukup makan pakai hidup selesa is more than enough.

Happiness. Dont you think it's the priorities in life?

Homesick

Today I found myself crying badly after watching those sad yet meaningful video about mum on fb

I don't know why. I guess I miss home so much. Living alone in a big city sure as lonely as hell.

Am a big adult now. Can't be like this. Sometimes I feel like to quit my job and just travel. I mean go anywhere doing job that's has nothing related to my qualification.

But my potential is here. My future career is here. I can see my career getting better and expanded.

Thoughts

I is sad. Lonely perhaps

Over thinking. Forcing myself to be busy although my condition not really well. 

I don't know if my performance are better or slowing down. But I do believe my CEO have such a big hopes on me. He trust me so much he let me do my own decision. I am in my comfort zone. I need to work harder. 

Having a side income project with such a big payment coming around, wondering if I could ever deliver it. Big payment required big commitment don't you think? 

Plus what do I need twenty or thirty thousand for, not like am gonna get married in few years time (considering kena dump currently). To be foreveralone also requires commitment. lol. 

Just been thinking if I ever need such project. With my health condition and commitment to company project at the moment. Decision decision.

Abah.

I've been in blogging since part 2 diploma, since then over 358 post in my blog.

The name remains till now. I mean the URL. Never been changed and never will. If you been asking about whereabouts of the older post, it is best to say that I am keeping them for personal diary and not for public anymore. Too much stories from happiness, sadness, health and sick. In my blog, I often shared about my families especially my parents.

Today I want to throwback abit about abah. My heart kinda sad+happy when I saw in fb post about an old man crying over his son getting straight A's in UPSR. Maybe for you it's not a big deal. As for me, I still remember the proud+happy look on abah face when this particular kampung boy getting an award in PTS, UPSR and even diploma+degree scroll. I wouldn't say much about PMR and SPM cause even myself disappointed in my results.

But being a good father, abah never look down on me. He will always support any decision I made including choosing my future career or partner. I could talk almost about anything that I planned out and abah will give his point of view without ever turning down my idea. Instead if I ever just quit my job and decided to be kampung kebun boy, abah would definitely just support it and giving some key point to get government subsidies or grant to be a successful kebun boy. That's my abah.

I dont know why I write about this, tears started to well up. I guess I miss home.

Homesick I would say.

Ajal before Jodoh?

Kita selalu sangat fikir soal jodoh. Tapi jarang fikir soal mati. Kenapa?

Sejak sakit ni, kadang-kadang aku terfikir adakah impian aku nak menyempurnakan jenazah abah akan jadi sebaliknya? Adakah aku yang akan pergi dulu? 

Sibuk fikir nak kahwin dengan N, tapi entah-entah abah yang kebumikan aku. 

Sakit

Dah dekat 4 bulan aku sakit.

Sampai satu tahap aku rasa aku tak boleh nak tanggung lagi.

Kau tahu macam mana sakit dalaman dia?

Kau rasa baik mati dari tanggung sakit macam ni. 

Aku cuma nak hidup sihat, bahagia. 

Itu je.